Inner Grace

She has a face of light

And is the calm within the depth of any storm.
Gentle stranger, earth angel
without ego or expectation
Only dreams and hope for those she loves
and she loves many....
But many more love and adore her.
When our hope is lost, it is her smile,
her indifference to all fear and chaos
that opens each of us to the greatest love of all.
Her love and legacy teaches us only what we should give,
not what we can take.
Her inner grace is our light in the dark,
Her flame is eternal.

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Death and all his friends..

I don't know why, but it seems that I can only blog at nighttime. Thats when my creative juices REALLY get flowing. Or I'm too tired to work, but not enough to go to sleep, so somewhere in the middle is where I feel like writing. Typing. Whatever.

An interesting day today... Hmm. Did some biology revision, some chemistry, almost finished chemistry but didn't quite make it, had Danish people over to stay and to entertain by myself... eek. Parents out at some Hampton Court Palace soiree, walked the dog, got hit by a bee in the eye, and what else... oh yeah. I saw a man die.

I was on MSN talking to a few friends, and one of them sent me a link to a video, and told me to watch it. When I clicked on the link I saw '18+' and instantly covered the video with the messenger screen, wondering if I actually wanted to watch the video at risk of scarring myself for life.. too late. I then clicked back on the other screen to close it before anything could happen, but then I saw a man, walking on top of a train, reach out for an electric wire overhanging the train and get highly electrocuted. I actually jumped - honestly it's the most horrendous thing I've ever seen. You see all these stunts that people do in movies and on youtube, but this was the real thing, and I've never been so.. horrified in my life. The man suddenly... the best way to describe it is 'exploded'. And his body caught fire. Twice he exploded - two big booming noises, and two body wrenching moments, then the smoke cleared, and you saw his body just topple onto the top of the train, his limbs splayed over the side of the train. His body was still smoking, and his hair then caught alight - people were shouting and running away from the train. This was no stunt. A man died, in a terribly horrific way. Some of you may just think it's no big deal, and that I should just get over myself, but honestly, that scarred me for life. Seeing an actual death is so much more of a deal than just hearing about someone dying - an incredibly.. 'humbling' experience. The best way I can put it. Death is as much a part of life as being born and living is, but to go in such a way as this...

There are honestly no words to describe this, but if you want to look at this video for yourself.. although you HAVE been warned, it's graphic, and not at all pleasant to watch. If you're insanely curious, and still mad enough, then click here.

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On Nothing and Everything,

I could see the moon, in its full glory, if I moved a little bit to the left. This beautiful luminescent presence in the sky, now appearing around midday, invading the sky and stealing time from the Sun... glorious night. Beautiful night. Nights so dark, with a thousand shimmering stars, like specks of glitter on a page. And heat, heat unbearable, so much so you could camp out under these stars, the sky as your blanket. Counting constellations, no worries in the world. Feeling soft nothing under you. Time is irrelevant, a concept, seemingly non-existent at this time. For now, it is you, and only you. No one else. Nothing else. Nothing matters. Everything is right. I'm calm, I have peace, I close my eyes. Flickering dots and swirls of nothing - a black abyss of shape. You've nothing to fear, nothing can happen now. You're safe. You're untouchable. You can be what you want to be - say what you want to say, shout out loud, share your anger and express your rage to the dark skies above. In the empty fullness. No one will hear you - no one will ever know. How you felt, in this moment.

Mist creeps in around the early hours of the morning, when dawn breaks. The signal for a new day, a fresh start, possibilities plenty. You alone have the choice - make something of yourself, achieve something worthwhile, let yourself go, procrastinate a few hours more. You know you want to. You probably deserve it. But for now, you can't. And you won't let yourself do this, again. Only a fool makes the same mistake twice - is that not what's been instilled in us, since we were young?

So for now, work. Work hard. Nothing else exists - you, your work, your own little microcosm of a world. Push yourself to limits you may have never reached before. And then just wait. Wait until night time comes. The moon, bringer of deliverance from tiredness, rest from demands, healing from hurts, has yet to rise another day.

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The Age of Chivalry isn't Dead...

Earlier today, while I was on the bus coming home, I was waiting at traffic lights and happened to notice a man sitting down on the pavement opposite us. An English man, he looked to be in his early 30s or so, and was bent over, cradling his leg. I then saw a passer by, a black man, stop and ask him if he was okay. He then responded by saying something (I couldn't tell what - I'm not the greatest lip reader..) and pointing to his leg. I could see now that his trousers were torn, and his leg was bleeding quite a lot. The passer by then unzipped his rucksack, took out a tissue, and handed it to the poor man on the floor. The man then thanked him, and the passer by stayed with him a while. Later, he then patted him on the back, and went on his way. Shortly afterwards, the man hesitantly got up on his feet after tending to his wound, and started to pick his bag up.

Then, I noticed a man, in the car in front of the bus, shouting something to this poor guy who injured himself. As the traffic lights turned green, the man in the car made a U-turn and pulled up onto the pavement, next to where the other man was standing. He then said something to the man, who picked up his bag and got into the car. End of story. And all this happened while the bus was waiting at a traffic light.

The fact that both men who helped this poor guy were complete strangers to him, just made me go "awwh" inside... Its nice that society still looks out for each other. That our sense of social responsibility still stands, even now, in times when it's harder to trust a complete stranger. That being said, the man who offered the guy a lift could have been an axe-wielding homosexual rapist.. but somehow, I doubt it.
Plus, rapists don't own expensive flashy cars.

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You say Britain, I say Talent...

DJ Talent annoyed me like hell. But, and I'm ashamed to admit this, the "song" which he sung..or more appropriately rapped.. in the semi finals was actually not that baaad... And quite catchy too. I could see that coming on i-Tunes in the next few weeks... Just like Amanda predicted..

But anyways. I'm SOOOOOOOOOOSOSOSOsososososoooo happy that Diversity won! They were incredible.. and that Ashley Banjo guy is pretty cute haha. The choreography was incredible, the timing absolute, the dancing amazing, the look effortless... How the hell does someone get ideas like that!? It was so unbelievably imaginative and just.. interesting the whole way through! Oh and that little boy with the huge afro and glasses - Perry Kiely - I LOVE him to bits. He's adorable. And so funny! I love how they use him for all the 'stunts' - throwing him across the stage, picking him up by his legs and whirling him over, making him do all the backflips and frontflips - pick on the poor little boy with the afro why don't you!

And Flawless!? I was quite surprised they weren't in the Top 3. Serves them right for being so cocky I guess... Their dancing was impeccable. But just not as entertaining as Diversity.. Plus, it seemed like Flawless copied a few of Diversity's ideas. But thats just me thinking out loud......

Sean Smith was another favourite of mine. His voice is incredible - especially to the song he sung both in his audition and in the final. I'd buy that single anyday. It was better than the original I think! And it doesn't hurt that he's not bad looking too... I think the majority of his votes must have been from the teenage female population of Great Britain. Myself not included. (Diversity all the way :D )

And Aidan.. little Aidan. Poor guy - such a good dancer! Fantastic semifinal performance, he should have just done it again for the real thing. I don't understand how people don't realise when a performance they've done is utter rubbish or generally much worse than their previous performance - if he had done his semifinal performance again, I reckon he'd have come third. Instead of Julian Smith... who, I don't think should have been third. His sax sounded more like an oboe, and admittedly, the sound was beautiful.. But. Saxomophone... JAZZ. He should have done an upbeat jazzy piece with time for improvisation and wowed the audience with his incredible improvisation and brought them all to their feet in thunderous applause... But naaah. Quiet song, from WSS, which he already played in his audition.. But to be fair, at the end it was pretty impressive. And his performance was much better than at the audition. 

Stavros Flatley - no one can't not love them! Whats not to love about two "plump" Greek guys in blonde wigs and dancing topless... Mmm! I was laughing the whole way through.. Very amusing. Wouldn't have minded if they'd won.. But yet again, Simon Cowell predicted correctly about who would win BGT. 

I feel so sorry for Susan Boyle. 4 weeks ago, no one knew who she was, and now shes the centre of the media's attention. And not necessarily in a nice way either. I saw an article where Matt Lucas from Little Britain did an impression of her - it was so harsh and just unnecessary. She  never did anything to deserve those comments and the mockery of her, but some people are just incredibly shallow and want to pick on someone else's obvious faults and flaws, instead of acknowledging their own. I could go off on a different tangent here and rant about how disgusting I think Matt Lucas is, but I'll spare you, dear reader.

Lil' Hollie - glad she made it through the performance in one piece. I have to say, I had no idea what that song was, but it was hauntingly beautiful and she sang it very well indeed - a far cry from yesterday's performance. 2 Grand - I LOVE them. Especially the grandad, he's so cute. Reminds me of my own.. I so should have done a duet with my grandad! Ha ha. Not. But the granddaughter has an incredible singing voice - BUT. I don't think she would have gone through by just herself.. Its because it was her, and her granddad, and it was something unusual, thats why they got through. Not to mention the fact it was a good act, and they can both sing.. but she was way better. Shaheen - INCREDIBLE voice. I've used that word so many times already.. but it really was amazing. But.. I've heard rumours that he's already semi-pro, so technically, that's cheating.. He's done shows as a mini-MJ-sing-a-like. But he didn't win, so I don't careee... His voice is something else though. It reminds me a bit of Jennifer Hudson's voice - I dread to think how his voice will be spoilt when it breaks. :( 

This year, I have to say.. The competition was VERY close. Some really REALLY good competitors this year... So why is it that this year, the quality of BGT performers has increased incredibly (again..), but the quality of the competitors in The Apprentice has just... well. You know what I mean.. basically they're shit compared to the previous years. Obviously Sir Alan isn't as fussy anymore.. Desperate for another Apprentice - whoever she may be, whatever standards she may be at - in these oh so troubled times? Oh, and has anyone noticed that at the beginning of The Apprentice, the guy never says "Sir Alan's empire, worth over 5 million" anymore? He leaves that 5 million bit out now... Maybe Sugar's in a wee bit of economic trouble?

I can't be bothered to write anymore. Tired. Sleep :) goooooodnight cyberspace.

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From the bell-bottom flare to the ultra-tight skinny jean.

One of my good friends sent this in an email to me today. I thought it was quite interesting... Take a look for yourself.

So it starts off with the phrase "You know you've got Desi parents when..." (for those of you non-indians out there, just take it as indian.). Then, there's a whole list of reasons..:

1. You can't go out without telling them where you are going and with whom and when you'll be back & who's driving
2. They call you 24/7 and if you don't pick up the phone, they'll leave you TONS of voice mails
3. If you are a girl and don't know how to cook, then you're going down the drain and no one will marry you
4. The only way your life will get better is if you get MARRIED
5. Your mom is very nosy
6. Your parents don't know what the word "privacy" means; it will NEVER exist in their dictionary
7. If you are a couple of minutes late coming home, they'll call you tons of times!
8. If you don't become a doctor, engineer, pharmacist then you're a failure
9. If you make anything less than an A grade then you are a failure as well
10. If you pick your own spouse, then you've committed a horrible mistake
11. Parents care about what the society thinks more than your feelings
12. If you are a girl, you can't be yourself because some aunty is always on a look-out for a girl to become her son's wife
13. Your friends have to be approved by your parents
14. When you hear that their experience has made them way more knowledgeable than you..."mujhe tum se zyaada pata hai!!!" every time you do something wrong!
15. You spend too much money when you haven’t shopped for an entire month.
16. You spend way too much time with your friends (and the last time you saw them was at school...between classes)
17. Anything you do...just isn’t right...forget it...might as well go bury yourself
18. They think they have the best kids when you wear shalwar kameez to school (kids, don’t try will officially be labelled a FOB...good for parents, bad for society)
19. If you date/marry anyone outside the desi're going to hell
20. You are asked to eat something every half an hour. You may eat like a pig, yet they never seem to think you eat enough!
21. You get cussed more than u get told they love you
22. You learn that racism has a whole new meaning because they're racist against their own kind..."mein tu abne betay ke liye gori bahu laon gi!"
23. When they automatically somehow magically know if you're talking to a girl on a phone.
24. Dark skinned girls are pressured to put on 'fair and lovely' to get lighter!!
25. Girls: your parents start looking for "ache larke" when you’re still in high school!
26. Your parents want more than 100 %. And when you get 105 %, they STILL expect you to do better.
27. If you’re a girl...guys and girls can’t just be’re not allowed to talk to guys
28. Your parents always wanted to buy your clothes a larger size just so you could use it till you DIE
29. They have lil desi kids who can’t keep their trap shut who help the parents let us not live our life the way we want even more
30. You go to India they tie a rope around your suitcase...
31. You make chai for you parents at least 3 times a day!
32. They always make you go places wit them or make u talk to people you don’t want to so you can be friends with them because they are "good kids"
33. They always ask who you were with there names and how old they are and if the person is driving they have to see them first
34. Girls can’t wear revealing clothes unless it’s Indian clothing
35. Girls have to make sure they clear the table and be all nokhrani when guests are over
36. They call you up every 20 minutes when you're with your friends to ask you what you've eaten
37. Your mom calls you fat one day and the next day she makes you eat till you explode
38. They brag about you to all their Indian friends, then turn around and tell you what is wrong with you
39. You know you have desi parents when vacation means going to relatives’ houses in different cities
40. They always want to know what you’re doing on the computer
41. Your parents wont buy you stuff unless it’s at least 40% off

Looking through that list, I can see about... 22 things which apply to me. Now considering I am probably one of the most ignorant people about my culture (i.e. I can't speak much Hindi, Punjabi or Tamil, I hardly ever watch Bollywood/Indian movies, I hardly ever listen to Indian music, the last time I went to India was when I was two years old....), its pretty ironic that this email could still apply to me. Although, I guess not, seeing as my parents were both brought up in India/Africa/Malaysia/wherever else thats not England... But hey.
It's weird that I have...this... in common with a girl who lived in India until she was 10 and then moved to England but still has an accent and is a complete.. well.. freshie, for want of a better word. (My best friend by the way...actually, there's 2 of them exactly like that!)

But anyways. See how many you score on that list.. I reckon it's not just about Indians, but any culture which is relatively similar to ours. The principles are all the same - overprotective parents, no sense of privacy with them, strict rules you HAVE to follow, otherwise you'd probably get disowned... ha ha. One of my mum's favourite lines is "Back in my day..." and whenever she uses that line, it's usually about how girls and boys "used to behave proper", and the length of skirts and tops nowadays compared to her golden years, and how we should still be behaving like her generation did.
Everything was so different then... The crazes, the standards, the morals, the fashion, the hair, the lifestyle, the music, the entertainment... I'm sure it was almost an "abnormal" sight to see an interracial couple walking down the street. I'm sure it was definitely "not done" for a lady on live  black-and-white television to get her tits out on stage and pull a cord, dangling from the ceiling, to release water over her busty curvaceous body.... 

Instead, people were swooning over Bjorn Borg and George Clooney (that probably hasn't changed). People were watching Princess Diana marry Prince Charles in her fairytale wedding. Leonardo DiCaprio wasn't known for Titanic, but for his character on Growing Pains. Michael Jackson wasn't white. Ronald Reagan was president. The USSR was still the USSR. Audrey Hepburn and Marilyn Monroe were the Sienna Miller and Kate Moss of today, and of course, who could forget Elvis Presley...
And the fashion. Oh the fashion... incredible. Legwarmers, flares, shirts tucked in to long billowing trousers... skinny trousers, girls with cute short bobs, guys with extremely long hair, girls with big hair and skin tight leotards... It's pretty much all making a comeback now. 
And thats just England... Just imagine how other cultures, other countries, across the world, how people have changed. How iconic figures have risen and fallen... How fashion has changed, or not changed. How the music has changed. How technology has changed... So much has changed.

Yet, if you look back at that list... I'm pretty sure almost all of those 41 items could have applied to Indians (obviously not the ones concerning advanced technology..) in the 60's.. in the 70's.. in the 80's. If not more.. rules were much more strict then. Society considered certain things that are considered normal today to be "improper" and not how "young ladies and young men should conduct themselves". I should know, since I've had so many lectures about this from my mum and my grandma... But hey. Thats just part of the charm of the stereotypical asian parent/grandparent.

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"Where the girls are, there are no spider's webs."

The Catalonians' couldn't be more right. What is it with girls and spiders!? Today, as I was sitting in my room doing some work and talking to a friend...(multitasking - women do that too - very well) I saw, out of the corner of my eye.. a HIDEOUS huge eight legged... THING which was crawling tentatively up my whitewashed walls with its long gossamer-thin spidey-legs. Ughhhh. Just looking at spiders makes my skin crawl. And my vocabulary descriptive.

^ Eeeyuck. The type of spider I..dislike.. the most. And one happened to be on my wall.. Coincidence? I think not! After thinking out loud about what to do with said beast for 10 minutes, I eventually came up with the brilliant idea of sucking the little sucker (aha) to kingdom come with the hoover. Genius? Indeed. And it meant I wouldn't even have to touch the thing! Admittedly, it took me the best part of 20 minutes to eventually find the dratted thing again, under my table and all, but at least it meant I didn't have to sit in my study psychotically obsessing over where it was after that.

Then, whilst doing my work, I began to think. Why is it that we fear spiders? Girls in particular... I can say this because it's a fact. You don't tend to see boys screaming and running to their parents/siblings/whoever else in the middle of the night just because there's a spider in their bed. Nope. Girls would though... I definitely have. But what is it about these...creatures that scares us so? Ultimately, they're a help to the household...eating flies, which means we have less chance of fly eggs being laid on our food...and less chance of getting fly germs. Ew. But.. they're just so DISGUSTING!
I think its a psychological thing.
For me, I'm pretty sure I know why I'm scared of them. I'm an extremely sensitive person.. in terms of touch. The lightest touch for me tickles... I remember once, when a spider actually was on my arm, feeling its legs moving up my arm really quickly.. I just panicked. I keep thinking it'll go inside my clothes, and then I won't ever be able to get it out unless... well. Unless I got naked. Which would be a travesty if I was with other people...

I can't believe I've managed to write a whole post about spiders.. My my my. Just shows you can write about literally anything... But seriously. Why can't spiders be cute!? Like this little critter...

Guaranteed he isn't real. But hey.. I'd rather see that on my wall than some... hideous creature! I guess we can consider ourselves lucky we don't live in the Middle East and have to have these little bundles of joy they call camel spiders in our back gardens. If they ever had gardens in the desert.

So, no, I don't really like spiders all that much. Well, not at all, to be quite frank. With one exception - that one radioactive genetically modified spider that bit Spiderman? Hats off to him. Otherwise we'd never have seen the cute-yet-slightly-geeky Tobey Maguire scaling walls and shooting cobweb from his wrist. Gotta love it.

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My First Blog.

Well hello there.. to anyone who's reading this. My first blog entry.. and I don't have a clue what to write. Maybe I should begin with why I've suddenly decided to write a blog... So.

I'm in the middle of some important exams right now... really important. Like my whole life depends on them important. Its probably not the best idea to start writing a blog now right? But I did.. moment of insanity? Possibly. But hey.. I see it as an "outlet" for my... creative mind.. juices.. to flow. You can't really get creative with Biology, Chemistry and Maths.. Music I guess but those exams are already over. Sigh....

Ooh I'd also like to share something with you.. anyone who's reading this. Its a beautiful beautiful poem.. actually a song, a French song. Its called "Après un rêve" by Gabriel Faure, and its a French "melodie".. One of the pieces I had to analyze in my Music exam. The lyrics are in French, but the English translation is also very beautiful..

In a slumber charmed by your image

I dreamed of happiness, ardent mirage;

Your eyes were more tender, your voice pure and clear.

You were radient like a sky brightened by sunrise;

You were calling me, and I left the earth

To flee with you towards the light;

The skies opened their clouds for us,

Splendours unknown, glimpses of divine light ...

Alas !  Alas, sad awakening from dreams !

I call to you, oh night, give me back your illusions;

Return, return with your radiance,

Return, oh mysterious night !

So, I think thats about it for my first blog... Better get back to revision. And sleep.. lots of it. Ciao my fellow bloggers.

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